Not a Bad Offer
One of the more difficult aspects of applying for jobs through classifieds in Los Angeles is that the people doing the hiring are often deceptively far away. Last week, I called a phone number for a promotions job in Hollywood and landed in the offices of Blue Ocean Theory near Camarillo, some 90 minutes up the freeway and on the far side of six state parks: LA’s metropolitan area is expansive. As seen through the lens of the internet, it can seem downright infinite. Often, in the last several months, I have written a brief letter of inquiry to someone offering work as a painter, babysitter, tutor, warehouse runner, customer care representative or somesuch. Typically, it will go something like this:
Hello—I am writing to apply for the position you advertised on Craigslist. I am—[an experienced painter, a trustworthy babysitter, punctual,diligent, etc. etc.] Please find my resume attached. I am very friendly, hardworking and reliable. I look forward to hearing from you if you are still interviewing for the position.
Thanks,
Rowan
The responses to these letters come from people with unmistakably Anglo names—Mark Kent, Frank Miles, Barry Andrew, James Cladron [sic], Micheal Mahone [sic]—and are polite, lengthy and invariably full of poor grammar and non-sequiturs. Typically, they open something like this:
Thanks for the Interest.I believe and understand you are very intelligent and experienced Painter?
Or:
Good day,
I have to say i appreciate your message back concerning the job offer,Thanks for the Interest.I believe and understand you are a experience painter?
Or, again:
Thanks for responding to my advert on craigslist.. I would love to meet up with you to talk about this job but I am currently away on business. I am in Estonia so there will be no interview.
So far, I’ve gotten interview-free job offers to work in Los Angeles from people in Estonia, Bahrain, Austria, the UK, Canada, Dubai, Nigeria, France, and somewhere in the Atlantic. This last, “Mrs Natalie young wife to Mr Zachary young,” was unusually inventive in justifying the non-interview for a position as her personal assistant. Her narrative, abridged for clarity’s sake, went as follows, with digressions about a twin daughter in the ICU and her ambition to have a website:
Presently we’re on vacation on board on an European line cruiser sponsored by my husband’s company and we’ll be back soon before the end of this month or at the very beginning of next month… I want to let you know that we’re having much fun out here, we would have love to call you but the network on board is really poor because of the high tides for this particular period of the year. But we would call you as soon as we get a clearer reception. I and my husband want to put things in place so you can start immediately we arrive from our vacation.We would like to have a brief interview with you; answer the following questions.
1)How many years of work experience do you have ?
2) Do you smoke ?
3)Do you do drugs ?
4) What area are you located presently ?
5)Do you have any disability ?
Embedded somewhere in each exchange is an offer to send excessive advance payment by money for the work to be completed and a request for the remainder to be forwarded to some third party via Western Union. Where in most jobs being paid is compensation for work completed, here,receiving a paycheck is often the crux of the job description: “Your 1st primary task will be to receive payment on behalf of the company,” went one offer. All, then, that is required of you is your “information’s”—full name, contact info, and so forth—, or, in other words (Frank Miles’s): “How should your name appear on the money?”
As with Natalie, eagerness to begin is a hallmark of the species at hand: “So you are to commenced with the jobs asap Because it’s almost the middle of the month,” James urged.
So, you might ask, in such a tough market, why not take these generous offers—“How much will you charge per month?” Frank Miles wrote. “I will pay $500. That is not a bad offer is it?”; “How much will you charge per month?” Micheal Mahone wondered. “I will pay you $200 weekly. That is not a bad offer is it?”
Or, discerning reader, you might ask, “didn’t you read the Scams page on Craigslist?” Yes, I would tell you, yes I did, and I am still looking for work.
