Ultra Fine Dining
“Do the forks go on the left or the right?”
“Left,” I said.
The fellow sitting across from me went back to work. A few minutes later, he looked up again: “What’s in a Cuba Libre?”
“Rum and coke,” I said. Do you know what’s in a Cosmo or a Manhattan?”
No answer, then, “A Manhattan is vodka and sweet vermouth.”
It took me forty minutes of diligent scratching to complete the application for Culinary Staffing Inc. The packet included a summary of my rights under the fair credit reporting act (every single employee undergoes a background check), a uniform checklist with different kits for each line of work (hi-speed pourers and cummerbund for the bartenders, checkered pants and a knifeset for the cooks), W-4 and I-9 forms, and different written tests for waitstaff. Altogether, there were at least five blanks for name, address, and social security number. The bartending test was a bit out of range for me. I couldn’t specify which type of glass was used for nearly anything. But I did well on the true/false section which had questions like: “Swaying, slurred speech, and loud talking are all signs of intoxication.” True.
Servers were asked to describe and “please explain” a captain, sweep service, a sterno, oval tray service, and chafing dishes. I left that part blank. The following page had a large circle in the center that was supposed to be a dinner plate, and alist of everything you were supposed to draw in around it as at a banquet: bread and butter plate, red and white wine glasses, water glass, coffee cup and saucer, dessert spoon, salad fork, butter knife, appetizer fork, soup spoon, water glass and so forth.
Lastly, there was a document detailing sundry legal concerns of Culinary Staffing Inc: You are not to discuss Culinary Staffing with anyone for any reason for one year after your employment. You are not to discuss salary information with co-workers or anyone else. If offered work for one of Culinary Staffing’s clients, you are to refuse unconditionally and you are not to give them your contact or any other information.
“Have a seat,” Ms. Ambrose said with pursed lips and blank face. I handed her my opus. “You’ve got to to fill out the uniform checklist.” She had her hair tied back tightly on her scalp in a way that made her appear stern in the way of women posing in 19th century photographs. I spun the application back around, and she looked through it for three, maybe four seconds.
“I don’t know that I’m going to be able to hire you. You have take and pass the tests. I mean, I definitely can’t hire you as a bartender. I know that there are different types of catering out there, but there are also different companies in LA. I could lie to you and tell you I’ve got work for you, say ‘come on board, but I know I can’t give you enough work to pay your bills.
“All of our clients are ultra-fine dining. They want you to show up for five hours, serve, and then go home. If I hire you, they’re gonna train your for five hours and not get any work out of you. I’m sorry, but I’m just being truthful. I’m not a dishonest person. Me lying to you is not gonna pay your bills.
She reconsidered. “I mean, we are coming into december, so there are gonna be events where maybe they just need some bodies to pour water.”
“Or beer,” I suggested in earnest.
“Or maybe they just need some bussers. So, yeah, if there’s any light waiting that comes my way, maybe I can give you work, but I really can’t hire you.
“What about in the back of the house?” I pleaded good knife skills.
“Well, see, did you go to culinary school?”
“No.”
“Yeah, you’d need to be trained have that diploma. You need to take and pass a technical test that’s way more technical than this one.” Here Alicia flipped to my knotty diagram of a place setting. “I mean, not all of our staff went to culinary school, but they apprenticed for 12, 15 years first. So, no.” Offering a business card in her outstretched hand, Alicia winced from kindness and I walked out past a room of silent hopefuls.
“Pssst,” I wanted to tell them: “Hey—a sterno is one of those little candles they use to keep the chicken fingers warm.”
